…give or take a few. Miles, that is.
It began with the first step – Want. To be sure, it started off as a Want, before I convinced myself that it was a Need. It started off with a bit of general uneasiness about life, and a desire to add to that uneasiness.
Never did I think I would wilfully put myself where I would feel so unsettled, but deliberation and justification are extraordinary things.
There are those who wish they could see this multi-generational superstar live in concert once in their lifetime.
I don’t. I’m watching his performances on TV and I fear for his nose. :(
In my final hours, it was a flurry of activity.
Oh, goodness. The mess of papers to clean up still, the stack of letters to write, the notification emails to send out. By golly, I deserve the break if I even get round to finishing off this place!
All day, all day a transition from one task to the next. Who knew leaving could be so exhausting? 12.15am and I was yawning already.
A full day of holding it all together, of almost letting it all spill because I just didn’t think I was strong enough. I survived today and I will survive it again. Thank you to all those who were there. Thank you to the ones who have made survival not just viable but much more.
Too many things happening to blog…
Not enough events to blog also complain, too many things to blog about also complain!
Things are going to change; for better, or for worse, it’s up to me to decide how to interpret it. I’m just itching so bad for this change I look like I’ve got ants in my pants.
Everyone’s first reaction is for me to find a bloke soon. Why??? Is there nothing else in my life to fixate on?
No no no. I can only do all this because I don’t have a bloke, so stop with that now.
What I can do is leave you with a picture of the mysterious rash I developed on my forearm this morning. It refuses to abate and I don’t know what caused it. Have fun!
The Rash *roar*
p/s: Aren’t those some lovely veins I’ve got to extract blood from? But I can’t donate blood anymore so bah! to that.
It’s not unusual to watch me stomp into the office in the morning without saying hi to everyone. If anyone greets me, the best effort I can muster is a mumbled greeting back. However, once I switch on my computer and start clearing emails, letting the work zombify me, I get more lucid and friendly.
The day usually starts off good, because I like starting my day with achievable tasks I’ve planned beforehand. Even a nasty email or two residing in my inbox, waiting to pounce on me, is not enough to dampen my spirits. Very soon, I’m getting breakfast and my daily jug of water, and settling into a comfortable routine.
My mood usually starts souring towards lunchtime. After lunch, it’s just resentment and exhaustion taking over. Autopilot rules over critical thinking and I end the day grumpy and frumpy.
Today, it was different. Starting from last night, where in a fit of anger I embarked on an infosearch that stretched till 1.30am, the day was created to be drastically deviant from the norm. With barely 5 hours of sleep and not enough cash to take a cab to work, I dragged myself out of bed after 4 (!) snoozes, only to be met with a serious jam on the roads.
At work, my computer first freezes before reaching the login page, and next freezes while I try to open my email client. I finally get to fire everything up and start work when 5 minutes later, the screen blanks and my desktop dies. One more restart later, I get at my emails with a fury I’ve never felt. Instant Messages are curtly replied to. My temper flares with each email I read and finally I feel like I’m about to explode.
I didn’t calm down till 11am, a good 2.5hrs after starting work. Things were exceptionally bad, but I could recognise that it was all in my head. It ruled me for a while, I’m ashamed to admit. But this will be the last. Next time, I will recognise it for what it is and attack it head on. No more silent resentment, no more doormat.
Needless to say, it’s been a frustrating week. A culmination of work, lack of social life and botching of future plans has climaxed in a desperate wish for today to be the end of the week. It hurts me to think myself so bloody weak as to not be able to stave off the onslaught of emotional and professional ills, but damn if I will let myself go crazy in these next few weeks.
I just have to tough it out man. Adventure awaits! I can wait no longer.
When you asked me why I enjoyed your work, I answered you in relation to me and my circumstance. But my first thoughts should have been to tell you what I liked about your work per se. I hope you didn’t think it self-centred, because I simply relate to others through how they affect me. Your work has a profound way of touching me, sometimes full on hitting me in the face. It’s just how I feel when I look at your work; that’s the only way I know how to like something. By how it makes me feel.
I don’t know why I’m writing this either. It’s just a night of reflection, I guess.
I’m doing this not simply because I’m itching for change…
Well who’m I kidding? I continue to do this because I’m afforded the freedom to do it. And by this, I certainly don’t mean blogging. I don’t mean to be cryptic, talking about this or that, but it’s quite imperative I keep this to myself for now. It seems I can get away from anything but paranoia, because it simply sticks.
I am looking for change. Everyone is, constantly. It’s a matter of how big a change you want it to be, and sadly, I’ve always restricted myself to small changes, baby steps as if I couldn’t allow myself to fail. Now is the time for the massive goddamn FAIL WHALE to challenge me ala the biblical Job. Will I give up permanently if I can’t build a life for myself? I doubt it, but it’ll sting enough to teach me that I need to be hungry for success in every aspect of my life.
The date draws nearer and nearer. Not everything’s settled yet, but damn if I’m not going to get it settled soon. It’s scaring the living daylights out of me; but I’m not giving up.
Well, as it turns out, it wasn’t more sleep that I needed but less dreams.
I’ve been filling my quota of shut-eye, but it has more often than not been interrupted by dreamscapes and images of people from my past. Urgh. Just this morning, I dreamt of big boy Malcolm and he had a girlfriend who walked around naked She had such a flat chest, the only thing stopping me from assuming she was male was the lack of boy appendages.
What strange dreams.
Our silhouettes are walking toward the light, side by side. I’m watching us from the back (I? am watching us?) and wondering what it is I’m looking at.
Next thing I know, we’re sitting beside each other. I lay my head on his broad shoulder and he lays his head on mine. And I think, how nice it is to have a man who was tall enough for me to lay my head comfortably on his shoulder.
His coarse, big hand envelopes mine and our fingers entwine.
Except, who is he?
Another night, another dream.
This time, there’s laughter. We’re sitting around a small coffee table, drinking perhaps. (except I haven’t drunk in…so long) There’s a warm, enveloping light surrounding us and I come face to face with the fountain of laughter.
He looks like…someone I knew in USP. (No, Gabriel, not you.)
The mischievous grin, the face familiar, but the laughter I did not remember belonging to him. There were distinct warm feelings to match the lighting as well. Or it could have been the lighting tweaked to match my feelings.
Who, exactly, is this?
Who are they?
Abbreviated | fayeth on Hey! |
 | HairyDonut on Hey! |
| fayeth on aftertherain2 |
 | stanley on aftertherain2 |
| fayeth on Hilarious |
